playing guitar for a job.

[mudcut]

I am a guitar player, and i have been for about ten years now. I play small clubs, bars, and outdoor events with my bands (i have 3 at the moment) and i make about $250 to $350 (sometimes more) a weekend. i dont work through the week because ive never been a dayjob kind of guy. where i live there are no jobs avalable except fastfood, or store clerk positions anyway. the avrage person from around here where i live makes about $200 to $250 a week. My wife works at kroger and brings home $234 a week but she thinks that because she works at a job that has set hours (even though i make more money than here almost every week) that i should get a job like hers. I disagree. Between the 3 bands i play in i am able to work every weekend and i make enough money to pay the bills even without her paycheck, i am doing what i love, and what i always wanted to do from the time i was just a little kid. How can i make her understand my point of view?. She thinks i am lazy, but it takes a lot of work to play in a band let alone 3. It is mental work even more than physical, but that takes its toll just the same.

[Diogee]

talk to her, tell her just what you typed. You shouldnt be afraid to talk to your wife.

[mudcut]

Ive talked to her, she seems to think its not a stable source of income. But i was doing this before we met, and it has its down points as well as its high points but ive always had a gig, even if its just sitting in as a studio guitarist from time to time. I think that if she dont come around and understand that a man should be doing what he is best at, and what he loves to do at the same time we will fight about it to the point we cant stand eachother.

[Diogee]

It's tough trying to get people to understand your point of view, but how much time have you spent thinking about her point of view. Also not sure if when you talk to her just how condescending you can be even without trying. Yes you do make more money which is nice. However from the sounds of it she works hard for what money she does make. Maybe she would also like it if you were making even more money. Not saying quit playing in bands just maybe picking up a part time job for a few days a week wouldn't be too bad.

[mudcut]

i try hard not to sound condescending when we talk about it, and yes she is a hard worker, but in my own defence i work very hard at what i do it gives me a sence of satisfaction to complete a song and hear people sing along with the lyrics after im done. i am not full of myself but i am very good with a guitar, and i use that to be able to take it easy through the week plus it saves us money on daycare bills. a part time job is not out of the question but it is not really nessasery (money wise) and jobs are very hard to find in McCreary co. Ky. from here most people eather sell drugs, take bribes from the dealers, or go to jail. after that there is fastfood, store clearks,and music, i choose music.

[Diogee]

And thats good for you!!! it is. Just sounds like your wife wants you to start looking into a job that has more of a future (not that music does not) with retirement plans and medical. Yes you are doing good on money now just I think she may be worried that something could happen and well money not soo good then. I also know what you mean about tough to find jobs. I currently live in a town of 115 people with 3 bars 2 gas stations and thats about it. However it is possible to look future outside of your town to find better jobs that will help you future. Just a thought but it is something you may want to look into. Any ways as far as getting her to see your point of view she may already see it and just not think its enough.

[mudcut]

well i guess u just hit the nail there. the thing is that the next town in any direction with any kind of job oppertunity is at least 30 miles away. and while i go a lot farther than that with my bands to play gigs (most of the time travel expences are paid by the venue) i feel that music is my best chance, and holds the best oppertunity for advancement for me. I guess what it all boils down to is even if i were to get a real job as she puts it i would be misrable, and knowing myself like i do i would slack at it and feel like it was a wast of good rehersal, recording, or writing time. i am not selfish even though it may sound that way, i do have my wife and sons best intrests in mind here even though mine and her opinion vairy on what is best for us.

[Diogee]

Well I have used up pretty much all the advice giving I do in a month so I will leave it at I hope you two get over this problem and remember that you love each other!!

[mudcut]

lol well i thank you for your input, and i did hear the advice you gave it was all good i just dont want to feel like i missed my calling later in life by letting it go for now. i just wish she could see that while i did not start this band for her, i do it for her now as much as i do it for me the fans (who realy pay me) and the other people i employ to be part of it as band members. I feel music is what god gave me to use in life as a means to an end, and i guess what i really need is her to back me up and give me the suport i need to keep going and hopefully make it to the point where we dont need to rely on a retirement plan from some company for our future. because after all anything can happen, but only if you show up.

[the squid of despair]

Are you a stay at home dad? If you watch the kids all day, her argument is instantly negated. You make more than her, plus watch the kids. Nuff said.

Also, age? Length of relationship? Length of marriage? # of kids?

[Calienta]

Maybe she not only wants you to bring in the $250-$350 per week ... Maybe she's hoping that BECAUSE you have the time, you could bring in more and live a more comfortable life? I know it doesn't pay to be greedy, but if there's nothing else that you're doing during the week then I can see where she's coming from.

If, however, you're practicing and are busy doing things to promote your music and get further ahead ... and you were doing this before you were with her ... then it's your prerogative to continue that until you can no longer provide for your family.

[mudcut]

Are you a stay at home dad? If you watch the kids all day, her argument is instantly negated. You make more than her, plus watch the kids. Nuff said.

Also, age? Length of relationship? Length of marriage? # of kids?

Well i guess in a way i am a stay at home dad, we have one boy who is about 5 months old and on most days he is with me while she works. Some days he stays with my mom if i have to go practice, or do some of the promotional things to keep my band playing. We have been together for 3 and a half years and have been married for over 2. She is 24 years old and from Michigan, her dad works for u.p.s. and makes a load of money but he has been driving for them for over 30 years. It seems to me she wants me to be more like her dad in that aspect, but i have been making money with at least one of my bands for 10 years now and it has got better over that time, meaning the amount of money we make has only ever gone up. We are not rich, but we are not broke eather we live comfortable. I guess we just dont understand eachothers point of view, she cant understand how i feel confident that my bands will be able to keep work, and i cant understand why she cant understand it.

[Q80Thug]

marriage is all about compromising......

she says that your job is not stable, yet recently you say you are doing well enough with the work. therfore you need to think about two things:

1) as a precaution (worst case scenario): look for jobs that you might have to take if and only if your having a very hard luck with the current work. this way you could show her that you have the family interest first but would still do the thing you love FIRST.
2) think into the future: if your work would really go bad, would you be willing to let go of the thing you love (playing the guitar) and do something you dont love for the sake of stable source of income?

hope this helps,

[mudcut]

marriage is all about compromising......

she says that your job is not stable, yet recently you say you are doing well enough with the work. therfore you need to think about two things:

1) as a precaution (worst case scenario): look for jobs that you might have to take if and only if your having a very hard luck with the current work. this way you could show her that you have the family interest first but would still do the thing you love FIRST.
2) think into the future: if your work would really go bad, would you be willing to let go of the thing you love (playing the guitar) and do something you dont love for the sake of stable source of income?

hope this helps,

Absolutly if the music was not enough to survive on, if it went bad for any reason, flipping burgers would not be out of the question. As far as looking in advance for a job here there is no point. The only options here are stores, or fast food, or there is always the most popular choice DEAL THE DOPE but really i could never take that kinda chance with my freedom so im stuck with the first 2. But i would gladly (well....not really gladly but you know what i meen) do what i had to do to keep my family aflote.

[Q80Thug]

your resolve is unquestionable, however the reason i suggested the look out for other jobs now is to show the Mrs that you DO care about the family and that you are prepared to seek other means of income if the times come, since the whole discussion here is about how to get your point of view to the other side...

[odd th0mas]

i'm guessing it don't matter what you make. she just using your earnings as an excuse to cover up her real concern which is YOU! i did what you are doing and it cost me one marriage and almost blew it with the woman i have now before i wised up. she(your ole lady) knows that by, you, playing in pubs/taverns/bars for a living drastically increases chances for adultry, alcoholism, std's, drug abuse, etc. it's a selfish lifestyle. if you love the girl, you better give it all up NOW! a jealous wife ain't a wife very long!

[Kat]

Just a thought, but are you sure you're hearing what she's saying properly? If she's feeling anxious about the future and trying to express that to you, it could be very easy for you to hear that as blame and an attack on you. If you then become defensive she is going to become upset because she'll feel like you're not listening to her and you don't care about her feelings.

Or maybe she's not happy in her job and she wants to talk to you about that. If when she talks to you about her feelings you turn the conversation round to how you feel about your job she will feel invalidated and become upset and this could create arguments.

Next time she brings this up I'd suggest you try and listen to what she's saying for a good hour or so (this may involve some intense tongue-biting) without getting defensive or offering her any solutions. Once she feels heard you might find that this isn't as big a problem for her as it seems to be at the moment and you might be able to having a calm discussion about the situation without it becoming an argument.

While I think you are entirely justified in thinking it's wrong for her to try and make you abandon your music career, her feelings about the situation are not (and could never be) wrong and she may need to know that you recognise that.

Edit: Just read this through and realised it sounds quite psycho-babbly and might well be completely wide of the mark, but I'll leave it up anyway in case it's any use.

[Drunken Monk]

From a person that has been playing guitar and getting shows for the last 5 years, i know its a tough job mate and i understand that even though u may only be working a few hours a week on ur gigs and getting paid for it, the rest of the week u probably spend in making sure u don't fuck up at ur gigs with tons of practice and co-ordination with ur fellow band mates. the fact that u play with 3 bands is even more stressful i'm guessing because u have to repeat the whole process 3 times. but from ur own admission, ur wife's been working pretty hard at her job as well. what we have here is a lack of communication between the two of u..that's what i feel anyway.

try making her comfortable enough to express her point of view without holding back. in return, u can express ur point of view completely honestly as well. both ur arguments have valid points, but at the end of the day, relationships (especially marriage) is about finding middle ground. sometimes couples have completely polarised thoughts and opinions. if both of u reach some sort of an understanding, that'd be the ideal thing i think. from what i understand of this predicament, she's looking for stability and security and u're looking to stick by ur principles. both of u are going to have to bend the boundary a little in order to be content with the solution. i also kind of agree with what Kat said as well. That was quite a good observation.