2 Rednecks

[Richard Cranium]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down
the road drinking a couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said,
"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these
here beers!"

Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and
stick it on our foreheads then throw the bottles
out the window."
"What fer?"asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?,"
said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out
of sight and put the labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,
"Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels,
"... Me and Bubba's on the Patch."

[Richard Cranium]

Maw's New Bathroom!


Dear Son:


Your Paw has a job. It's the first one he had in forty-eight years since we
have been married. We are a little better off now, because we have so much
money now we don't know what to do with it. Paw gets $47.15 every Thursday,
so we thought we ought to do something about fixing up the house.

We sent to Sears &Roebuck for one of those bathrooms you hear people
having in houses. It took a plumber to put it in shape. On one side of the
bathroom is a great long thing something like a pig trough, only you get
in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing
they call a sink where you wash your face and hands. But over in the
corner we really got something. This thing, you put one foot in, wash it
clean, then you pull the chain & get fresh water for the other foot. Two
lids come with the thing. We got no use for them in the bathroom so I'm
using one for the bread board. The other lid has a hole in it so we use it
for a frame for grandfather's picture.

Sears &Roebuck are real nice people to deal with. They sent us a roll of
paper with the outfit. We can't write on it very well, so I'm using it to
wrap Paw's lunch. Take care of yourself.

Maw

[Richard Cranium]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical
examination the same day so they could travel together.

After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my
wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then,
after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold
and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the
first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second
time Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first
time is usually around July and the second time is usually in
December

[Richard Cranium]

I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky
clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is
step into this room right here, strip to the waist,
then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm
thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda
flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm,
can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
legs and neck and finish me off! My body was in a
holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square
glass!) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete
darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone
are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said,
"Oh, you fussy puppy . . . the door's wide open so
you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back." Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.


And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintence men
extraordinare, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type
greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to
disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as posible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps . . . .

[Richard Cranium]

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring BEER

[Richard Cranium]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered
an occupational benefit, and why he landed the job in the first place,
since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be
able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10
million bucks, he takes his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million

dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in

Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

[Richard Cranium]

Quickie #1

One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his
wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the h*** out!"

Quickie #3

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.

Quickie #4
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Quickie #5

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
Chardonnay."

Quickie #6

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're
cooking! Never!Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt.! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving."

Quickie #7

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

[Richard Cranium]

Scenario: a situation...


You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[Richard Cranium]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rec_tum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rec_tum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."But, I always buy it here," says the blonde."Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist."Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant". Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container..."TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Richard Cranium]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, but on each
run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired
back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by
and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband
on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street&nbs! p; corner, Bill
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what
he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should
have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's
eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
bucks?"

[Richard Cranium]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying
to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went
and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in
the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her
husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"

[Richard Cranium]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost
his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short, he
attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the
border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,"
says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims. "I have a picture

of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on
the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.

With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent says, "I recognized the picture of Ted Kennedy
in the middle."

[Richard Cranium]

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking
around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to
the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night romance. As
they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man
took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.


A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The
only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced
Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening
-
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of
romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again..


He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
leaned
over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you
mind
taking the dog for a walk?"

[Richard Cranium]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the
currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line,
just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla
fo
yen?
Today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Richard Cranium]

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Richard Cranium]

Bobby-joe was riding in Jeds truck

Jed pulled over, got out and pointed down yawnder and said, "Thats where I first had sex."

Bobby-Joe said,"How was it."

Jed said,"It was great til' I looked up and saw her mom was watching."

Bobby-Joe yelled,"Oh shit, what did she say??"

Jed repiled "Baaa"

[Grendel]

Like the last one, but you spelt my name wrong... ;)

[GENERAL. May Hemm]

good stuff mate!
Thanx

[MaDukes]

How to Make a Woman Happy

Is VERY good I hope you guys paid attention!